It was during this time that we found out that not only does he have to deal with severe ADHD, but he is also Bipolar and he was smack dab in the middle of a severe manic episode. It was scary to see. All I wanted to do was what all of us moms want to do, kiss the bobos and make them better. But I couldn’t. He really did get the best treatment he could have had during that time and I am so grateful for it but it was probably the hardest time in my life so far.
During the week that my son was in the hospital, I spent a lot of time trying to deal with what was happening…simply trying to process it. I’ll be honest, there were a good number of moments and even a day or two where I honestly couldn’t process anything in the mush that was my brain. I spent a lot of time crying. I tried to pray but had no words whatsoever and was just glad for the Scripture that talks about the Holy Spirit praying for us when we don’t have the words to pray because I was fresh out of words. I spent some time yelling at God, at the world, at the walls around me that this wasn’t fair! This wasn’t how it was supposed to be! He was too smart for something to take him down like this. He was supposed to grow up with a “normal” life. It was bad enough that I had to do this parenting thing along, but now I had to add Bipolar to the list? How was that fair? God and I had it out a few times and again I found myself grateful for the Scritpure reference in which Jacob wrestled with God. That reference showed me years ago that if we are wrestling, it’s a good thing, because it means we are talking to God and hashing it out with him. As long as we learn to lean on Him in the end, we’re working it out fine. It’s a good thing too because we wrestled a lot that week while I simultaneously pleaded… “Please, God!”.
Why am I telling you all this? I’m sure you have noticed the negative tone that this blog often has. Though I try very hard to live in the good moments, I’ll be honest and tell you that the good moments are hard to find these days and I wanted you to know why. I started this blog with the idea that we need to be more open and honest with each other and yet I was leaving out a key piece of my own life. I was afraid to be honest. At first I was afraid that if I said this out loud I would have to face that it is our reality, then I was afraid of what others would think of me or would think of my son….I’m no longer afraid. If anything I now believe that we need each other, Moms. We need to be here for each other through it all…the good, the bad, and the really, scary ugly.
In the days, weeks, and months ahead I will be telling you more about what bipolar is, especially in kids, what our daily life can really be like sometimes, what the future holds for his treatment, etc. If you have questions, if you are in a similar situation, if you can relate in anyway, let’s talk. However, please remember the rules of this blog when it comes to comments (comment policy). This is supposed to be a safe place for all of us