I’m afraid…

I’m afraid.

I’m trying not to be, I’m trying to let God have it, but to be completely honest, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that my son won’t come home ok, in fact, I expect that, but I’m more afraid that he will never be OK. He’s my only child, that’s it, no more, and I DESPERATELY want him to be OK. I want him to succeed. I want him to flourish. I’m scared he won’t.

Bipolar disorder and even severe ADHD don’t always have a great track record where success is concerned. Sure there are a lot of people out there who live with it successfully, but honestly, there are probably more who don’t. I’m trying not the let the fear win. I’m trying to let it go, but it’s hard you know?

This whole thing in the last year and a half or so, well, four years if you look at it a certain way, has worn me down. It’s created a depressed, cynical, frustrated, angry, defeated person and I don’t like this person. I don’t like the me that I see right now. I want to start feeling like myself again, or rather, like a better version of myself. I want to start living my life again fully and enjoying as much of it as I possibly can. If ever I was tripping through my faith, this is most definitely it.

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