Sometimes faith is very hard to come by…the same for hope. Especially when you are in the middle of such a deep, dark situation that it feels you might never see the light of day again. I know because I’m there right now.
I was raised in the church and I know a good bit of Scripture (maybe not word for word, but definitely the ideas behind it). I know that God is near the brokenhearted, that He is there in the middle of the worst trials, that He will eventually deliver us from it.
I know that my final hope, even if I never see an end to this trial on earth, is in the fact that there will be no more tears in Heaven. I know all of these things and somewhere in the darkness, I truly do believe it. But in the middle of some of my darkest days, it’s very hard to see.
Last night some things were said that hurt. They weren’t said in anger, they were said in confusion. My precious little man lives with so many anxieties and confusing things going on in that head of his that sometimes he can’t see straight. Sometimes the words just come pouring out of him with no filter at all because he just needs to vomit them up. Last night he did that and I let him because I know just how hard it is for him to talk about deep and personal things most of the time. But I’ll be honest, as the words flowed out of his mouth, they hurt.
They hurt because I saw the pain and confusion he lives in a little more clearly and I wanted to clean it all up and kiss his little boo-boo and make it all better, but I can’t. I can’t change what he’s dealing with. I can’t change the anxiety that wracks his mind. I can’t change the confusion that he sometimes lives with. I can’t change the super unfocused days or restless nights. All I can do is be there. For a mother, that’s impossibly hard.
Moments like that also allow the old, ugly tapes to play in your mind when you feel like you are failing him, that you aren’t doing enough, that you’re not good enough. “What did I do wrong? How did we get to this place? I thought I was raising him right!” All those ugly, hurtful thoughts ran through my head last night and even today. I am battling them with truth, but be sure, friends, it’s a battle, an ugly, bloody battle.
All I can do today is weep and say….