Failing

It’s Thursday, where has my week gone? This happens every week…the week just flies by and I feel like nothing has been accomplished. Most of the time, time flying by is a good thing because of something we have coming up in January, but sometimes I feel like a failure because it’s Thursday and hardly anything has been accomplished.

We got back from our camping trip on Sunday, July 6th, but I still haven’t cleaned out the camper. In fact, I’ve left the ac on in the camper since then because I don’t want some of the food I need to bring in the house to spoil and as a result of this, my electric bill is higher than it should have been. It’s on my list of things to do, but it’s not done yet.

I am sitting here at work, between assignments, looking at the living room at my house (we have a camera) and seeing at least 5 different areas in the living room/kitchen that need to be dealt with. My son will do some of it while I’m at work, but let’s be honest, how much can a 12 year old really get done on his own?

The kitchen hasn’t been fully put back together since the remodel was completed the first week of July so there are still things in the kitchen that need to be taken to the barn, still counter-top things in my bedroom that need to go back to the kitchen, and still pictures and such to hand on the walls.

My desk in the living room is more of a disaster than I care to show anyone. But it has to be in order before August 25th because my son will be doing the K12 home school public school program starting then and will need access to the computer.

I won’t even go into the bedrooms or how long it’s been since I’ve really scrubbed, not just wiped over, the bathrooms.I don’t think I’ve changed the sheets in a few weeks either. And I haven’t cooked in at least a month.

I often feel like I’m failing at something, sometimes I feel like I’m failing at everything. That feeling feeds the depression I struggle with in my life right now due to our circumstances. And when something happens, something that is unexpected and never good, something that just throws me off my game completely, I feel even worse. When my son chooses to make a decision that could affect him forever, when he tries to get around the rules because he just has to have whatever it is he wants, when he’s all over the place because today he’s not controlling himself as well as other days….those days are the hardest of all. Those are the days I’m exhausted before it’s even bed time and all I can do is the very minimal necessary until it’s finally time to go to bed. Those are the days that everything left undone seems to scream even louder at me. Those are the days that I have to tell myself over and over again that it’s OK to let it all go. It’s OK to not have it all together. It’s OK to just sit.

What about you? Do you have these days? Would you be willing to share with us? Would you be willing to admit we are not alone – we are more alike than we know?

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